a welcome reprieve

i am still making my belated swap for yarnpunk (i seem to only output one yarn per week at the moment anyway!!) oh how i wish for the gift of time to immerse myself amongst the dyepots & frollick with fibery creations.. but alas, the time is just not yet mine. (sigh) i would truly love to while away the days wooldancing under the sun & moon, i must be patient as my children will grow & grant me space, but i am impatient & not as self-less as i wish (thought i would) be as a mother!

this blog is testament to the minutae moments in my life for 'time' - my postings are slooow i know. let me take a moment here now to give a glimpse at my life & the grapple between my need to create & my unconditional need to be with my children. it seems as soon as i feel the inspiration to draft some fiber, pick up my spindle, or dance with the wheel, the spark flies toward my children, as though they sense my creative inspiration & they dive in, only to distract me off in other directions. it is hard to keep putting off my creative impulses.. time and again.. i try to divert it & channel it into my children, but i still somehow have an inner need for space to create with fiber for my own sake, not for them, & i realise how being a mama is so challenging. it is not just waiting for a week or so, it is years, multiples of years, really before there is enough space for some real time alone to oneself. my yearning. my mantra is "it will get easier as they grow older!".

i reflect upon the days BC [before children] i wiled away so many precious moments alone, without really honouring just how precious that time really was. now as i attempt to survive through the daily round, satisfying my children's needs, relenting to my own, suppressing my creativity is hard. i struggle. i admit. i am not as self-less as i could be. twins certainly multiply this feeling for me i know.. do any other mama's know what i feel? i go to sleep, exhausted after each day, yearning for the thousands of skeins i almost spun but lost the moments for creating. i only hope those moments return.

during my brief moments of reprieve i have been needlefelting Autumn leaves for the skein i am creating for yarnpunk. the process is so beautiful, i love to go into that space, albeit if it is only twice a week (at night by the chilled moonlight). my spirit is free when i am there, & i rejoice & fill myself up in those moments of creative wonderment. my only savior to the grapples of parenting. a welcome reprieve.

{addendum: please don't get me wrong, my children enrapture me with hours of enchantment, fill me with fresh inspiration & deep love that indeed fills my heart with glee nearly every waking moment of my day (i say nearly because we do have our other moments too!), it's just that my creative, productive output suffers from 'lack' of time - & sometimes i need to winge about i -, if only to justify to myself that i have a really vaild excuse for not being physically able to list yarn on etsy every day!}


thespunmonkey said...

oh, michelle...your words mirror much of my daily creative struggle...i have many thousands of unspun skeins, too...but my time with my boy is so precious. it is so hard to find a balance, sometimes...
speaking of unspun skeins...i will be working on yours this coming week!

wooldancer said...

ditto sweet spinsista! it is all about BALANCE *-*

Taphophile said...

Your wheel is patient; it will wait for you, and that your creativity is intact while caring for twice the love twins, is a pretty good indication that it will still be there when the children are less demanding.

wooldancer said...

beautiful words of wisdom taph! thanks for your light!


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